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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…