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I see the Seven Deadly Sins as more of a To-Do list.
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.