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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat