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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.