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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.