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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.