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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.