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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D