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What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome