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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.