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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
You think Iām mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
dont love..dont hurt...keep doing flirt..:)
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.