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If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?