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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.