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Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."