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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!