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Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.