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There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.