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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.