Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
The best things in life require no pants.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.