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I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
The wet spot in my bed is tears
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave