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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.