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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.