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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!