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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak