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Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.