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"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
It´s never to late to be happy
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.