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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?