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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.