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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?