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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"