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My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
Life`s short ... Drink fast