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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues