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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.