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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.