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Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...