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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means Iām not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
Iām not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.