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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...