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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.