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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.