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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.