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I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.