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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds