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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
Some people should come with subtitles.