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Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.