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Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.