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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.