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Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...