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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.