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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?