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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.