Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.