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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.