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As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Question everything...Or should you?
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.