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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.