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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.