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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?