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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
Some people just need to be clothes lined
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.