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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
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I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.