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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?