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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.