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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?