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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.