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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.