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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.