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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
is it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by 2011?
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.