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I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!