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Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.