Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
This Status Update could be yours for six Easy Payments of $19.99
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.