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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
Hard butter is the devil.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!