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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
No, Iām not funny. Iām just really mean and everyone thinks Iām joking.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.