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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep