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I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."