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Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)