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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
So much to do and so few alibis.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
More people should be at a loss for words.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.