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People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/