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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...