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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.