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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Home is where the pants aren`t.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.