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I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.