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I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.