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More food should come with prizes inside it.
I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
i only drink on days that end with y
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day