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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)