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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.