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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.