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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you