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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!