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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.