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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
Despite what people may tell you, its the fat that makes you look fat... NOT the dress!! lol
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...