Daily Silly Status

Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?

So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.

If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."

I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?

I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.

I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.

I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.

My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.

Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.

Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.