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At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed